Even though I do it very well thank you very much. Just ask anyone who has ever eaten Thanksgiving dinner at my house. So there.
Okay - so - I hate to cook because without fail SOMEONE will either “not be hungry for it” or have helpful suggestions. Our kids are full of tips for me so I can do better next time. Ya know people, I don’t enjoy food prep and meal clean up, so if you want to eat - LAY OFF!!!!
I ask and I ask and I ask - what would you like for supper.
The Man says: “I dunno”.
Banshee girl says: “Mom - I just had a hot pocket - I’m not hungry now.”
Prince Spoiledrottenpants says: “Whatever” (except - whatever you come up with)
I say - GRRRRR! Snort, stomp, and jaw clenching.
So - for example:
Homemade Velvet Corn soup - “Ewwww!! this looks like SPEW (vomit) Mom!” says PSRP.
Baked macaroni and cheese - “Ok, I think I’ll just work late since your not making anything special” says The Man.
New York strip steaks - Uh - “no comments available” because a couple of those sat around on the counter long enough for the thieving dog to snap them down in two gulps. 17 dollar dog treat - holy sh-moly!! This - because they were in the middle of an ‘instance’ on world of warcraft.
Oh don’t even get me started on WOW. Hello children - there’s something sad about the majority of your life being imaginary.
Fried Chicken - “I still like KFC best Mom” says PSRP.
Cheeseburgers hot from the grill. Banshee girl says “I don’t like hamburgers - can we go to McDonalds” - Uh?!? say WHAT!
And kids - It wouldn’t kill ya’ll to wash a dish now and then!
Okay - I feel better now.
Now - Here’s my recipe for Velvet Corn (Spew) Soup
2 large ears of fresh corn
2 egg whites
2 Tbs. milk
3 cups of chicken stock
1/2 tsp salt
1 Tbs. cornstarch dissolved in 2 Tbs. water
In the spring plant the corn. You will most likely have to plant the corn two or three times because the crows will come along and eat the corn plant shoots as they appear.
Build a scarecrow.
Use an old sweatshirt and an ugly old pair of “mom” jeans. You know - the kind of jeans that are wide at the hips and narrow at the ankles and look really bad. So bad that when you ask your husband “do these jeans make my butt look big” you can’t get angry with him when he says “uh - kind of - but in a nice way”. The scarecrow won’t really work all that well - so then you send your parents out to buy crow frightening accessories like a “Scary Eyes” blow up crow scarer thingie. But not a blow up owl. Because according to the internet crows become enraged at the sight of an owl and will attack. Okay - so now the corn grows. But the sprinkler gets clogged up with the cruddy well water at your farm and the corn almost dies - two or three times - because of the clogged sprinkler. But finally the corn is ready to pick. So pick it, and peel off the husks. Don't forget to check yourself for ticks after your trip to the garden. The ticks are really bad out there.
Or - you could just go to the grocery store or farmers market and buy a couple ears of fresh corn - if you want to. The soup kinda tastes better when you have to work so darn hard for the stupid corn though.
Slice the kernels of fresh corn off of the cobs. But don’t use that crappy knife at the farm house because if you do you’ll cut your fingers like my mom did.
In a small bowl, Oh wait - all the small bowls have disappeared. Time to check the kids’ rooms for dirty dishes. Ewwww! Ok - so wash one of the small bowls that you find buried in the kids’ rooms. You could use the one with stale cheese puffs in it, or the one with petrified chocolate pudding, or the one with the unfinished Ramen noodles in it that have hardened into some kind of modern sculpture. Whatever - just wash one of those small bowls.
And in that bowl beat the egg whites with a fork - the only one left in the drawer - the rest are under the sofa where the kids watch tv. OR - if all else fails you can usually find a fork under the sink in Banshee Girl’s bathroom. Alrighty then - we have a fork and we’re beating those egg whites.
Add in the 2 Tbs. of milk - what the - Crap! - get the car keys you need to drive to the grocery store because SOMEONE got hungry in the middle of the night and used the rest of the milk.
Drive to the grocery store - oh wait - the “GET GAS NOW!” light comes on the minute you start the car - fine - go to the gas station - fill the tank - and drive to the grocery store. As you are standing in the longest line you have ever seen to buy this one stupid gallon of milk you will realize that you could have purchased milk at the gas station.
Deep breath - beat in the 2 Tbs. of milk - REALLY HARD! It’ll help - honest.
In a large saucepan bring the chicken stock to a boil - uh - you do have chicken stock right - cause you were just at the grocery store. Oh good!
Add the corn and the salt and bring to a boil again.
The dog wants out. For the fifteenth time this half hour.
The girl cat barfs. Wipe it up.
The pan boils over - but you clean it up and keep going.
The other dog wants out now. No, the first one didn't even pee, but he wants back inside.
Give the cornstarch mixture a quick stir to recombine it and pour it into the soup.
No - the boy cat was not licking the cornstarch mixture - it only looked like he was - he was just sniffing it.
Cook, stirring constantly until the soup has thickened and becomes clear. Then turn off the heat and immediately pour in the egg white mixture, stirring only once.
Quickly pour the hot soup into bowls so that they can sit on the countertop congealing while the family ignores your calls to “come eat!”
Now you can make Spew Soup just like me!
